I am often asked by single and married people alike: ‘how do you do it?’ My response is usually something like ‘no sleep and a lot of coffee’ and while that is partially true, a lot more goes into it as you can assume. Most days I walk out of the house wondering what I have forgotten to do or shut off…but then I get distracted by a screaming child because an assassin grasshopper that is surely attempting to kill them just hopped by and only I can save their lives. SO…In order to make it through my day I have come up with a list of things that I do to ensure our continued existence…and hopefully even flourish as a family.

In no particular order, here ya go:

1. PLAN EVERYTHING…I know it probably seems like more fun to paper cut your eyeballs but it’s TOTALLY worth it! I have calendars everywhere. Honestly, if my head wasn’t attached, it would be gone right now and because I constantly overextend myself, if I don’t write it down it WILL NOT happen. This also reduces (if even a slight amount) the stress I get rushing around and remembering things at the last minute….and of course one of my signature moves (double booking and trying to be in two…or three different places at once).

2. GROW YOUR TRIBE…nothing is more important than support…especially when you are located far from anyone who you know or care about (like me…active duty military and move every 3ish years). You have to build a network and do it fast! Finding people like you will ensure that they will likely have the same priorities and hurdles as you. As a single parent you don’t really fit in with single people, but you don’t really fit in with the nuclear family either. You are kind of in a purgatory and sometimes it is hard to figure out where you belong. This has been one of the hardest things for me (even though#3 is hands down the hardest for me…did you just look down at #3?…patience..lol). ‘They’ say that it takes a village to raise a child…and I totally agree with that concept so when growing your tribe (like I said above) it’s easiest when you find people with similar situations/interests. Everyone in your ‘village’ doesn’t have to perfectly mirror you/your life but the majority should have certain aspects that are similar. From personal experience, it’s not always super comfortable for me to hang out with a whole lot of married people…we just don’t have much in common BUT I do have a few families that I have clicked with and our kids love one another so it just works. A key element in tribesmen is TRUST. While this is imperative, it is SO hard to come by…I worked for a while with child abuse/neglect cases so it is extra hard for me to trust someone (even family) so I had never allowed my children to be babysat (outside the child care centers-that are under 24/7 surveillance) until they could talk and tell me if anyone had been inappropriate with them…this is not always feasible for everyone…and not everyone is as neurotic as me so do what you want with that little suggestion and work in your comfort zone. I believe so much in the village-mentality that when there is no pre-made network when I arrive, I create one. I encourage you to do so wherever you are at too. There are so many people out there that could benefit WITH you and social media makes it so much easier.

3. ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT! This is it for me, the hardest thing I have had to learn to do. As a single mom I am used to everything riding on my shoulders. I’m used to paying all the bills, going to every practice and all the games, being the one to help with homework, while cooking dinner and running out of the room to clean up potty training accidents (which causes super dry hands due to all the hand washing that is involved in that). No one helps me and I don’t ask anyone to because it’s not their responsibility….right? Well, technically, that is true but it doesn’t mean that no one is out there that doesn’t WANT to help. In my experience this demographic is the most selfless one there is. We take on so much and do so much for so many other people that we rarely even consider it an option to tap out. It is so important to wave the white flag when you need to. STRESSED OUT MOMS MAKE FOR STRESSED OUT KIDS and contrary to what I have believed for so many years, one person cannot actually do everything. I still try to disprove that theory every day, but the reality is that everyone has limits. Know what yours are, and when you reach them, tap out and ask someone you trust for help.

4. CUT THE FAT! Do you actually need to go to every single birthday party that your kids are invited to? The answer is no…I promise! Do you HAVE to bake for EVERY PTSA bake sale your kid’s school has? NO! Anyone trying to force you into the ideology that you are somehow less of a parent by not doing EVERYTHING they ask you to can kiss your…well, let’s just say that they are not looking out for your/your family’s best interest. I have actually been approached by housewives asking me to take over their volunteer duties because they ‘can’t handle it’…umm…. I’m trying not to judge, but come on…if I had any down time, I would have volunteered in the first place. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect…remember that kids love spending time with you…HAPPY…that’s it. You don’t have to have the most elaborate birthday party for them or spend a whole lot of money on toys…sometimes there really is nothing that a sheet-fort in the living room can’t fix…well, that and ice cream (or is that just me?)

5. GET A SIDE-HUSTLE. There are so many things that I want for my kids and unfortunately my budget does not quite wrap all the way around them. I always have a side job. I have sold everything from essential oils to pampered chef, party light candles, Norwex products, It Works! health and beauty products and even personal pleasure items. You name it, I’ve sold it. Those side jobs are good in a pinch when you need some extra cash on the side or when birthdays/holidays or a vacation are coming up and you want some extra cash. It’s not something that I seem to be able to do as a full-time side job, but it’s always there when I need it…just beware that you don’t allow it to become another stressor.

6. CARVE OUT SOME ME-TIME! This one is another thing that I struggle with ALL THR TIME. I can’t tell you the last time that my toenails were polished or my hair was done by a professional. The closest thing I get to a back rub is when I fall asleep face down on the ground from pure exhaustion while I am supposed to be playing with my kids and they think it’s part of the game and start jumping on my back. I don’t get to do a lot of ‘official’ me-time, but that is not necessary. You don’t have to be spending money to be recharging your batteries. One thing that I do (which is kind of a double edge sword) is that I stay awake a couple hours later than I have to just to be alone. I sit on the couch all by myself, I sneak some junk food sometimes, and I watch whatever the hell I want. No one asks for the remote, no one sticks their booger picking fingers into my food and no one crawls up on my lap and won’t stop moving. I get to be by myself and it is a glorious feeling. I may even miss my kids for a second after I forget how much of a pain in the ass they were before they went to sleep. I live for those moments and I fantasize about some day when I’m able to read a book while curled up on the couch drinking my tea in a nice quiet house with no interruptions….but for now, I sacrifice my sleep just to feel like an adult for a little while. Sometimes my brain doesn’t even register that I am still watching Nickelodeon because I am in a partially vegetative state from the shenanigans that my children have put me through that day.

7. PREP EVERYTHING. This kind of goes along with the plan everything but it just takes it one step further…. cluster activities and do as much as you can possibly do in advance. I have started meal prepping my son’s lunch on Sunday and delegating to him (pick 1 snack, 1 sandwich, 1 juice, etc). He loves being involved in the process and feels grown because he’s ‘making his own lunch’. Lay out everyone’s clothes for the week on Sunday night, meal planning (I have not quite mastered the ‘meal-prep’ thing but I definitely have an idea of what we will have each night…especially for days that have an activity in the evening) are all things I do on the weekend so that the already busy week is a little less crazy.

8. AN OUTLET. Get yourself an outlet. Someone who you can talk to that won’t judge you! That second part is SOOOOO important. You don’t need more pressure to be super-mom or super-dad. I have friends and family that I wish I could talk to and spill all of my thoughts, fears and stressors to but I know that they will either not respect my confidence and will repeat what I told them or will respond with a nasty judgmental comment. I don’t need that and WE don’t need something else to fight about. When this is the case, I just keep the conversation about things that I feel comfortable talking to them about or I just don’t call when I am going through something particularly stressful. I know if I do, I will want to talk to them about it and I will end up getting off the phone pissed or feeling inadequate and I would just rather not. It’s not ideal but I love them and it helps to keep from adding a whole lot more drama into our relationship and lives. I am really bad at this, but TRY not to get mad at THEM as most of the time they are just not emotionally mature or secure enough to be able to properly support you. Because of this, I DO have a handful of people that I know I can call and they will LISTEN and will ENCOURAGE…and that is just what I need at that time.

9. A PURPOSE OUTSIDE OF YOUR KIDS-GIVING BACK. I feel like my entire life revolves around work and kids (and that is pretty much true) but it is also important in my opinion to have something that brings me purpose (and my own identity). I love volunteering/helping others. This also shows my kids the value of compassion and helps them to understand that the world doesn’t always HAVE to revolve around them. My kids now love giving back. We do the ‘blessing bags’ (or whatever you like to call them) and hand them out to homeless people whenever we see them (mainly when we are back in the states of course). They get to see me talking kindly to other not so fortunate people and when they see one of their ‘friends’ at school doing it, they can lead by example and stop it or at a minimum, they know that it is not right.

10. HAVE PATIENCE…with your kids, the outside world and most importantly YOURSELF! Your children are learning…albeit slowly at times (“Honey! DO NOT to stick your fingers in the elevator doors!”…preceding the blood curdling scream she let out immediately after she did exactly what I told her NOT to do). Be patient, you are their biggest cheerleader and supporter. They look to you and are building their self-esteem directly from how you treat and talk to them. Have patience with other parents NOT in your situation…in most cases they really just cannot comprehend what is going on in your world and often just don’t know how to treat you or interact with you. They have their stuff and cannot even fathom doubling that responsibility. Everyone’s situation is unique and each person rises to that particular challenge. Have patience with YOURSELF. You are not super-human, don’t expect yourself to be perfect. You WILL get overwhelmed, you WILL get frustrated….this is normal so be patient with yourself and the situation that you are in.

11. LOVE ON THOSE BABIES. At the end of the day, that’s what they need…and so do you. Kids mirror your behavior and mood. If you’re always too busy or snapping at them, they will start to feel inadequate. Make a conscious effort to SHOW your children how important they are by giving them lots of hugs, kisses, tickles and praises. LOOK at them when they are talking to you…we get so busy and take it from this multitasker, there are probably more times that we tell them to wait (and show them that they are not our priority…if only for that moment) than there are times we stop, get down on their level and listen. Take the time to smell the roses WITH your kids…

12. Last but not least…no sleep…and a LOT of coffee ☕️ lol

(Side note: writing this was a good refresher for me…I hope it will be for you too)

😊