1. Gather your Tribe: If you’re close to family, that’s awesome! Take advantage of that and spend time with those that you love/have a healthy relationship with. For those of us who are way too far from family to see them on the holidays, it’s time to tap into that tribe (check out my ‘12 single parent must-do’s’ post to see what I’m talking about)…these are the people that you get to CHOOSE to have around you. People that are like minded enough for you to be able to share your time (and a glass or two of wine) with; people who may be going through a similar situation as you. Share the burden and laughs with them….maybe even host a low key Christmas brunch/dinner with some other single parents….no added stress though (everyone pulls their own weight and brings a couple dishes)…maybe even do an ugly sweater or Christmas t-shirt and leggings theme so all are comfy (I bet the kids would love a Pajama dinner). Eat on paper plates to decrease the clean up too! Don’t forget to have people bring their own to-go containers so you don’t end up with too much food for your family to get through (that will end up going to waste in a few days).

2. Create your own traditions and I’m not just talking about the Elf on the Shelf (insert eye roll). You are the Captain of this ship! YOU decide what to implement-do you want to order Chinese delivery on Christmas Day or cook an 8 course/10 hour long meal and dress up in your Sunday best? Do you want to make the focus of the holidays about family, presents, Jesus? Want to go all out under the tree or implement the 4 gift rule (want, need, wear, read)? Do we want to hustle and bustle or just hang out in our PJs playing with our new Christmas presents? It is important to also think about and talk it over with your kids. Ask them which holiday traditions they would like to keep and which they would like to get rid of. Once you have that established, create a couple more that are just between you and them. If dad was always the one to put the star on top of the tree and cut the ham, maybe it’s time to hand that over to your oldest child…or cook turkey instead of ham this year to avoid the hard-hitting nostalgia and reminders that the other parent is no longer a part of the household. Either way, be empowered and start something new that is especially for just you and the kids.

3. Make a Christmas ‘play list’ and I’m not just talking about music (although I do that too because who doesn’t just LOVE Christmas music…lol). Make a list of all of your family’s favorite holiday movies, crafts and games (hat on the TV game, reindeer candy canes, etc). Make them kid friendly i.e. every time someone says the name ‘Santa’ on the movie (or stands in a position where they are ‘wearing the hat’, pause it and take turns saying something that you’re thankful for (or give a compliment to each person in the room). The sky is the limit on the rules; it is the little things like this that your kids will remember forever!

4. Don’t overdo it. It is sooo easy to try to overcompensate financially (or even to ‘over-cheer’ it) when you feel like your kids are being neglected the ‘nuclear family experience’ during the holidays. Kids are as appreciative as you teach them to be so now may be the perfect opportunity to discuss expectation management and being truly thankful for what you have….not just what you want. The most important part of this is that you must be the example. If you are moping around the house wallowing in what you are missing out on, the kids will pick that up and become that energy as well. Also, if you are recently going from having two incomes to being a solo bread winning household, it may be a good time to have a reality check with your kids (before they open up the presents and don’t get that $400 gaming system they wanted). Now is NOT he time to beat yourself up about what you don’t have or can’t afford! You need to be the example and truly BE thankful for what you do have. As they say presence is much more important (and valuable) than presents.

5. Count your blessings…try not to feel sorry for your situation. Someone always has it worse…and you too could have it much harder than you do right now. I know that this can be much harder said than done (I have been there-not judging at all) so don’t beat yourself up if you do start to feel a little blue during the holidays. We put so many expectations on ourselves during this time of year (on top of what we already do and stress out over on non-holi-days) so give yourself a meaningful distraction. Giving back is one of my strategies. The saying that ‘it is better to give than to receive’ is sooo true in my opinion. Instill this mentality with your kids too and teach them the true meaning of Christmas. Volunteer with them at a local homeless shelter or food kitchen. If they are too young to help out at one of those locations, have them work on ‘blessing bags’ with you. Have them gather up some gently used items like blankets or toys and hand them out to people who need it. I like to let my kids personally hand it over to them and get the opportunity to feel that ‘reward’ themselves. When I live in an area with a large homeless population, I keep pre-made bags with toiletries, gloves, socks, water and snacks in my backseat so that when we see someone asking for help at a red light, the kids can hand it to them out their windows (they love it). Other ideas are to make/send care packages to deployed Soldiers (yes there still is a war going on despite what the media says), visit a nursing home and play games/puzzles with seniors, etc.

6. Enjoy your time together! Put the electronics away. Look one another in the eye. Ask your kids questions and LISTEN to the answers! Talk about THEM. This may even be a good opportunity for you to check in with how they’re feeling about your current family situation. Let them know that it is OK to miss that other parent and that it is OK for them to be sad that the family dynamics have changed. Remind them it’s not their fault and that they are loved by so many people. Play board games or whatever it is that makes your family happy. Go sledding and come inside and drink hot cocoa with marshmallows on top. Whatever it is, be PRESENT and ENJOY it! It’s probably not every day that you get to spend this much time together, so make it count!

7. Take care of yourself. Carve out some time for YOU…you know how the old saying goes: ‘you can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself’ and this is true, even for YOU, Supermom! Sip your coffee slowly and bask in the Christmas spirit. If you have the opportunity and means, treat yourself to a massage or maybe even have a cleaning crew come by to give you a much needed break. If not, improvise…take a long, hot, quiet Christmas-scented bubble bath with a fizzy bath bomb (after the kids go to sleep of course….)

8. When you start to get overwhelmed and think that Christmas sucks, STOP what you’re doing! The holidays can be a magical time (even if you no longer believe in Santa). All your holiday stress and expectations are SELF INFLICTED! Even if your family members judge or place expectations on you (not saying mine do🤫, but if they did…) it is completely YOUR DECISION to indulge in their drama or not….so don’t!

9. Most importantly, ENJOY!

Note: I wrote this from the perspective of a completely single parent. If you are separated from the other parent but still coparent with them, I still suggest doing what I outlined above. The only difference is that you both need to be respectful of one another. No fighting or arguing in front of the kids. Remember that if you must share certain aspects of the holidays with that other parent, you two are expected to act like the adults. They may push your buttons and I of course don’t expect you to just let them walk all over you…BUT save the cat fights, custody talk and child support disagreements for when the kids are out of earshot. If you cannot be in the same room with one another at this point, it may benefit you to plan out a schedule where the kids are with you at a different time they are with the other parent. If you are in a situation where the two of you can coparent harmoniously, that would be the very best situation for all parties involved. Best of luck with that one!